By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Scott_S_Fleming]Scott S Fleming
The "Update Bore-aholic"
"I'm waking up." "I had tofu pancakes for breakfast." "I'm so bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic, and need a drink."
Holy crap, how fascinating your posts and updates are (not). Nothing is too mundane for this type of user to broadcast every single action that happens on a whim. People, just because you have nothing better to do with your time than to broadcast your every single move with the thought that it was the next terrific thing to happen to you - try reading a book, or better yet, get a hobby that doesn't include using anything electronic.
The "Self-Promoter"
OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement in our lives. Sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about Argentinian ant farming. But when almost every update is a link to your blog, your lyrics listings, or your drab art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist, which is a real turn-off.
The "Friend" horde
The average Facebook / Twitter user has about 120 friends on the site. The social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make life-long pals on the downtown bus -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But to have over 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're The Pope or just won the lottery, no one has that many friends. That's just showing off, and it shows how shallow you are to the world that you would accept anyone that requests a friend or Follower.
The Town Crier
"Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first!
Me, and the 213,000 gazillion other people who all saw it on CNN. These users are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. Users such as this are why Snopes.com is doing so well.
The TMIer
"Chad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for my pesky hemorrhoids."
The boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information up daters, who offer up every personal detail about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing, time to drop you now, perhaps block you too.
The Really Bad Grammarian
"So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippeeee".
Yes, I realize that the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. That doesn't make it correct. No one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm, but you sound like a friggin' moron and you don't care one tinker's cuss what you say even if we can't understand what you posted because you probably don't either. Your family always "likes" your broadcast, so you don't get upset.
The Sympathy-Baiter
"Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now."
Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention. You keep a box of kleenex next to your laptop, don't you.
The Stalk-Lurker
The true "Peeping Toms of Facebook", these users are too cautious, or maybe too lazy (most likely too drunk), to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's really a little creepy, actually, very creepy.
The "Face-Cranks"
"Jose isn't really that impressed with those idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are."
These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in several blog comments, never seem to run out of things they couldn't complain about. Just keep spreading the love...
The Paparazzo
Have you ever visited your Facebook page to find that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your wife why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister at an office party. Avoid these users like the PLAGUE.
The Obscurist
"If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Peter is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not. And I don't wish this for the world."
I'm sorry, you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical - now shut the hell up! Oh, wait here's a button for that...
The Chronic Inviter
"Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? I sent you a heart! Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you? Which Smurf are you?"
You probably mean well, but stop. Just stop! I don't care what president I am -- can't we simply be friends?
Now excuse me while I go post the link to this story on my Facebook page.
Scott Fleming is CEO of Music City Guru, based in Nashville, TN. An affordable Website Development company and Hosting Services provider.
Additional informational articles can be found at http://www.musiccityguru.com/
Please call us at 615-541-9327
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Facebook-Users-We-Like-To-Avoid&id=6514679] Facebook Users We Like To Avoid
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Classic Old Time Radio Comedy: Fibber McGee And Molly
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Elisa_Sunflower]Elisa Sunflower
Listening to radio programs from the yesteryear has become a surprisingly popular form of entertainment. Many of the old radio shows from the 1920s to the 1950s have even been adapted to play on the modern gadgets and gizmos we use today. In fact, like most other media formats, old time radio offers a wide selection for public consumption. Crowd favorites are the usual mystery, horror and suspense, thriller, drama and adventure genre. Of course, comedy was especially favored by the listeners of what has now become known as the golden age of radio.
The 1930's spawned many note-worthy programs that are still talked about to this day. However, one of the most famous sitcoms to grace the airwaves was none other than "Fibber McGee and Molly," which began airing on NBC Network April 16, 1935. When situational comedy is talked about, this infamous series immediately comes to mind and is said to be the spark that launched James "Jim" Jordan and Marian Driscoll to stardom.
The success of this syndicated serial was something like a slow burn. Unlike other hit old radio shows, the audience of Fibber McGee grew over the years. Perhaps what set the series apart from contemporaries of its time was the fact that it was a bright ray of sunlight in what was otherwise a bleak and dark moment in American history. The Depression blanketed the country with the after-effects of World War I and the lighthearted cheer that the McGee's of Wistful Vista exhibited as they went about their daily lives was a soothing balm to homes and households across America.
Jim and Marian relied heavily on their witty repartee to entertain their audience. It was not unusual that their listeners would end up doubled-over in laughter at the rib-tickling and guffaw-inducing antics delivered by the spunky cast. In the comedy genre, it's quite easy to fall into cliches and a repetitive routine. However, Fibber McGee successfully got away with such over-used plot devices through sheer bravado. In fact, one of the most notorious running gags they used was the "Hall Closet." Many an unsuspecting soul fell victim to the closet and was promptly buried under an avalanche of Fibber's things and no one was safe from the junk-filled monster. It became a standing joke in the McGee home and Fibber popularized the catch-phrase "I have to get that closet cleaned out one of these days." That ironic and self-derogatory remark delivered in an almost bored voice would leave the listeners in stitches.
Undoubtedly, the colorful characters living in Wistful Vista also helped drive the show's popularity. One of the most eccentric persons living in the village was a senior resident called "Old Timer." The gruff and cranky old man was portrayed by Bill Thompson. The comical situations he and Fibber would get into were made more absurd as he appeared to be arguing with someone who was deaf as a doorknob. Another character that he often interacted with was the haughty and self-styled aristocrat, Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve. He had a love-hate relationship with Fibber and their wordplay was akin to a verbal battle at times. Harold Peary portrayed the arrogant next-door neighbor so well that a spin-off program was created for the character. "The Great Gildersleeve" was another old time radio show that became popular during its time. Last but not least was the lovable and precocious little girl who followed Fibber around all the time. "Teeny" was also played by the charming Marian Driscoll. The former Vaudevillian actress had an amazing voice talent which was shown by the wide array of characters she played throughout the span of her career.
I'm a big fan of <a target="_new" href="http://www.otrcat.com/%22%3EOld Time Radio</A>.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Classic-Old-Time-Radio-Comedy:-Fibber-McGee-And-Molly&id=6516928] Classic Old Time Radio Comedy: Fibber McGee And Molly
Listening to radio programs from the yesteryear has become a surprisingly popular form of entertainment. Many of the old radio shows from the 1920s to the 1950s have even been adapted to play on the modern gadgets and gizmos we use today. In fact, like most other media formats, old time radio offers a wide selection for public consumption. Crowd favorites are the usual mystery, horror and suspense, thriller, drama and adventure genre. Of course, comedy was especially favored by the listeners of what has now become known as the golden age of radio.
The 1930's spawned many note-worthy programs that are still talked about to this day. However, one of the most famous sitcoms to grace the airwaves was none other than "Fibber McGee and Molly," which began airing on NBC Network April 16, 1935. When situational comedy is talked about, this infamous series immediately comes to mind and is said to be the spark that launched James "Jim" Jordan and Marian Driscoll to stardom.
The success of this syndicated serial was something like a slow burn. Unlike other hit old radio shows, the audience of Fibber McGee grew over the years. Perhaps what set the series apart from contemporaries of its time was the fact that it was a bright ray of sunlight in what was otherwise a bleak and dark moment in American history. The Depression blanketed the country with the after-effects of World War I and the lighthearted cheer that the McGee's of Wistful Vista exhibited as they went about their daily lives was a soothing balm to homes and households across America.
Jim and Marian relied heavily on their witty repartee to entertain their audience. It was not unusual that their listeners would end up doubled-over in laughter at the rib-tickling and guffaw-inducing antics delivered by the spunky cast. In the comedy genre, it's quite easy to fall into cliches and a repetitive routine. However, Fibber McGee successfully got away with such over-used plot devices through sheer bravado. In fact, one of the most notorious running gags they used was the "Hall Closet." Many an unsuspecting soul fell victim to the closet and was promptly buried under an avalanche of Fibber's things and no one was safe from the junk-filled monster. It became a standing joke in the McGee home and Fibber popularized the catch-phrase "I have to get that closet cleaned out one of these days." That ironic and self-derogatory remark delivered in an almost bored voice would leave the listeners in stitches.
Undoubtedly, the colorful characters living in Wistful Vista also helped drive the show's popularity. One of the most eccentric persons living in the village was a senior resident called "Old Timer." The gruff and cranky old man was portrayed by Bill Thompson. The comical situations he and Fibber would get into were made more absurd as he appeared to be arguing with someone who was deaf as a doorknob. Another character that he often interacted with was the haughty and self-styled aristocrat, Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve. He had a love-hate relationship with Fibber and their wordplay was akin to a verbal battle at times. Harold Peary portrayed the arrogant next-door neighbor so well that a spin-off program was created for the character. "The Great Gildersleeve" was another old time radio show that became popular during its time. Last but not least was the lovable and precocious little girl who followed Fibber around all the time. "Teeny" was also played by the charming Marian Driscoll. The former Vaudevillian actress had an amazing voice talent which was shown by the wide array of characters she played throughout the span of her career.
I'm a big fan of <a target="_new" href="http://www.otrcat.com/%22%3EOld Time Radio</A>.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Classic-Old-Time-Radio-Comedy:-Fibber-McGee-And-Molly&id=6516928] Classic Old Time Radio Comedy: Fibber McGee And Molly
Friday, December 23, 2011
Doomsday Warning Or Temporary Anomoly?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=John_Morton]John Morton
Are all the nasty current events we are seeing and hearing about on the news just a temporary aberration or are we rapidly approaching a serious global problem? When I was young, I read about the hippies starting communes for assorted reasons not the least of which was reacting to the doomsayers warnings of global problems on the way related to the manner in which we treated the environment. The real fear, the one that had normally sane individuals digging holes in their back yards to house the bomb shelter needed to save the family from world war three. It all turned out to be needless worry. The holes in the back yard filled in, weeded over and eventually added to the inanities of the time.
Yet one nagging problem persisted. Constant warnings, warnings I can remember that were directed at water, were ignored. Since water is the most important factor in the formation and continuation of life itself I could not understand why the warnings were treated with such disinterest by those in position to do something positive. It was explained to me that soon the water in the creek behind our house that was drinkable, the fish that were eatable and water that was safe for swimming would be infested with harmful germs that would make us ill.
Now that I am in the realm of senior citizens, the creek no longer exists, all rivers, lakes and ponds for a thousand miles around scream pollution and the oceans are showing signs of the same problems. Water covers three quarters of the planet and a major portion of it is polluted or about to be polluted. One news source points to the problems of clearing rainforests but few listen because another source says we have too many trees anyway. One source says the ocean tides are being altered by underwater eruptions and we are losing an alarming number of animal and insect species as one after another becomes extinct. Another source says the underwater eruptions are normal as the planet stretches. We are expected to believe that just as many species of insects and animals are found each day as those we lose. What are we to believe?
We are told that global warming does not exist as a problem and if it did, it is a normal course of events that will correct itself over time. We're told there is no hole in the Ozone layer that won't repair itself as it has been doing up to now. We don't have to worry about the trees, we can replace forests with replanting programs and other methods.
I can remember hearing about three or four major storms a year. Now the numbers have climbed, the intensity has increased but officially, New Orleans was just natures' toss of the dice. Still, few official agencies will comment on the increased number of Tsunami's that have killed hundreds of thousands, caused undue damage including nearly sinking part of Sri Lanka while another battered Japan, turning their nuclear reactors into melt down mode, poisoning the land and sea for hundreds of miles around. Any one of the foregoing could qualify as a major catastrophe - we don't need that collision with an asteroid story to be true.
What about the political position of the world? The middle east is in a serious uproar, Britain is in riot stage, Norway is experiencing Terrorism and Syria is joining Egypt and Libya into a new form of government, currencies are being devalued and economies are tumbling. The world is in turmoil.
Having noted all the above, I could surmise that the Mayans may have just run out of time (the calendar really was finished.) Nostradamus is completely misinterpreted and all those other dire warnings are just the rumblings of dis-satisfied individuals seeking attention. Then again it might pay to clean up that hole in the back yard if still exists or maybe take a look at that self-sustaining, eatable forest idea and find our own generators - just in case. Can't hurt. Asteroid?
John Morton
John David Morton
[mailto:John@multigroupcentres.com]John@multigroupcentres.com http://www.multigroupcentres.com/ecofitnessvillage http://www.multigroupcentres.com/LSDlifestyledesign
Author: 6 screenplays, 3 non-fiction works, 1 Novel and numerous articles
Hypnotherapist/life coach.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Doomsday-Warning-Or-Temporary-Anomoly?&id=6509030] Doomsday Warning Or Temporary Anomoly?
Are all the nasty current events we are seeing and hearing about on the news just a temporary aberration or are we rapidly approaching a serious global problem? When I was young, I read about the hippies starting communes for assorted reasons not the least of which was reacting to the doomsayers warnings of global problems on the way related to the manner in which we treated the environment. The real fear, the one that had normally sane individuals digging holes in their back yards to house the bomb shelter needed to save the family from world war three. It all turned out to be needless worry. The holes in the back yard filled in, weeded over and eventually added to the inanities of the time.
Yet one nagging problem persisted. Constant warnings, warnings I can remember that were directed at water, were ignored. Since water is the most important factor in the formation and continuation of life itself I could not understand why the warnings were treated with such disinterest by those in position to do something positive. It was explained to me that soon the water in the creek behind our house that was drinkable, the fish that were eatable and water that was safe for swimming would be infested with harmful germs that would make us ill.
Now that I am in the realm of senior citizens, the creek no longer exists, all rivers, lakes and ponds for a thousand miles around scream pollution and the oceans are showing signs of the same problems. Water covers three quarters of the planet and a major portion of it is polluted or about to be polluted. One news source points to the problems of clearing rainforests but few listen because another source says we have too many trees anyway. One source says the ocean tides are being altered by underwater eruptions and we are losing an alarming number of animal and insect species as one after another becomes extinct. Another source says the underwater eruptions are normal as the planet stretches. We are expected to believe that just as many species of insects and animals are found each day as those we lose. What are we to believe?
We are told that global warming does not exist as a problem and if it did, it is a normal course of events that will correct itself over time. We're told there is no hole in the Ozone layer that won't repair itself as it has been doing up to now. We don't have to worry about the trees, we can replace forests with replanting programs and other methods.
I can remember hearing about three or four major storms a year. Now the numbers have climbed, the intensity has increased but officially, New Orleans was just natures' toss of the dice. Still, few official agencies will comment on the increased number of Tsunami's that have killed hundreds of thousands, caused undue damage including nearly sinking part of Sri Lanka while another battered Japan, turning their nuclear reactors into melt down mode, poisoning the land and sea for hundreds of miles around. Any one of the foregoing could qualify as a major catastrophe - we don't need that collision with an asteroid story to be true.
What about the political position of the world? The middle east is in a serious uproar, Britain is in riot stage, Norway is experiencing Terrorism and Syria is joining Egypt and Libya into a new form of government, currencies are being devalued and economies are tumbling. The world is in turmoil.
Having noted all the above, I could surmise that the Mayans may have just run out of time (the calendar really was finished.) Nostradamus is completely misinterpreted and all those other dire warnings are just the rumblings of dis-satisfied individuals seeking attention. Then again it might pay to clean up that hole in the back yard if still exists or maybe take a look at that self-sustaining, eatable forest idea and find our own generators - just in case. Can't hurt. Asteroid?
John Morton
John David Morton
[mailto:John@multigroupcentres.com]John@multigroupcentres.com http://www.multigroupcentres.com/ecofitnessvillage http://www.multigroupcentres.com/LSDlifestyledesign
Author: 6 screenplays, 3 non-fiction works, 1 Novel and numerous articles
Hypnotherapist/life coach.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Doomsday-Warning-Or-Temporary-Anomoly?&id=6509030] Doomsday Warning Or Temporary Anomoly?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
What Makes a Good Comedy Routine
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Tim_Tayag]Tim Tayag
Humor is very subjective but there are also universal truths that every person can relate to, unless you don't have a sense of humor which most likely means you are not completely human. It is in these universal truths that a good comedy routine thrives on and is able to transcend culture, race, and even time. So what am I saying? A good comedy routine comes from a believable premise that people can understand or agree on, and usually - but not always - it's about pain.
For example, if you are going to do jokes about marriage, then you should find a premise that is believable like "marital sex is the most expensive kind of sex" or "women are weird but men are stupid". Also, you are more likely to get laughs if you are actually married and not pretending to be married. Audiences can somehow sense if the performer is genuine or not.
So, once you have a believable and insightful premise (hopefully better than my own examples), what's next? You create a scenario that exemplifies the statement you just made, or what Judy Carter calls an "act out". It is in this act out where the punch lines come in. You can either exaggerate, compare, or show the absurdity of the premise to create laughter.
In the the premise example I gave, I can create a funny act out:
Women have weird habits, like they will ask you to wear matching outfits so you and her will look like this cheesy couple madly in love walking around for the whole world to see. "Baby, why don't we wear those Mickey Mouse shirts we bought in Disneyland and go out tonight to a comedy club?" Men, we're just stupid because we agree. "That's a great idea!"
Okay, maybe it needs more work but you can see what I mean by acting out the premise to get the funny out of it.
You can apply the same principle to sketch comedy or other forms. The main key is to get the audience to agree with you on the statement you are making. You know you've hit it on the head when your audience says, "That's so true!" And other comedians are thinking, "Damn! How come I didn't think of that?"
Talking about something relatable is just one of the ingredients of a good comedy routine. There are other factors such as timing, stage presence, likability, and so on. The best way to come up with a funny routine is to actually just keep doing it and polishing your skills. There is no substitute for stage experience.
Tim Tayag is a pioneer of point of view stand up comedy in the Philippines and Asia. He started his comedy career in San Francisco back in 1997 and has toured and performed all over the world. You can learn more about him by visiting his site http://www.timtayag.com/ or purchase his comedy CD [http://www.timtayag.com/nutritiousstandup/]http://www.timtayag.com/nutritiousstandup/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-Makes-a-Good-Comedy-Routine&id=6273181] What Makes a Good Comedy Routine
Humor is very subjective but there are also universal truths that every person can relate to, unless you don't have a sense of humor which most likely means you are not completely human. It is in these universal truths that a good comedy routine thrives on and is able to transcend culture, race, and even time. So what am I saying? A good comedy routine comes from a believable premise that people can understand or agree on, and usually - but not always - it's about pain.
For example, if you are going to do jokes about marriage, then you should find a premise that is believable like "marital sex is the most expensive kind of sex" or "women are weird but men are stupid". Also, you are more likely to get laughs if you are actually married and not pretending to be married. Audiences can somehow sense if the performer is genuine or not.
So, once you have a believable and insightful premise (hopefully better than my own examples), what's next? You create a scenario that exemplifies the statement you just made, or what Judy Carter calls an "act out". It is in this act out where the punch lines come in. You can either exaggerate, compare, or show the absurdity of the premise to create laughter.
In the the premise example I gave, I can create a funny act out:
Women have weird habits, like they will ask you to wear matching outfits so you and her will look like this cheesy couple madly in love walking around for the whole world to see. "Baby, why don't we wear those Mickey Mouse shirts we bought in Disneyland and go out tonight to a comedy club?" Men, we're just stupid because we agree. "That's a great idea!"
Okay, maybe it needs more work but you can see what I mean by acting out the premise to get the funny out of it.
You can apply the same principle to sketch comedy or other forms. The main key is to get the audience to agree with you on the statement you are making. You know you've hit it on the head when your audience says, "That's so true!" And other comedians are thinking, "Damn! How come I didn't think of that?"
Talking about something relatable is just one of the ingredients of a good comedy routine. There are other factors such as timing, stage presence, likability, and so on. The best way to come up with a funny routine is to actually just keep doing it and polishing your skills. There is no substitute for stage experience.
Tim Tayag is a pioneer of point of view stand up comedy in the Philippines and Asia. He started his comedy career in San Francisco back in 1997 and has toured and performed all over the world. You can learn more about him by visiting his site http://www.timtayag.com/ or purchase his comedy CD [http://www.timtayag.com/nutritiousstandup/]http://www.timtayag.com/nutritiousstandup/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?What-Makes-a-Good-Comedy-Routine&id=6273181] What Makes a Good Comedy Routine
Monday, December 19, 2011
Top Ten Signs You're As Intelligent As David Letterman
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Josh_Greenberger]Josh Greenberger
10 - S&P downgraded your IQ.
9 - You just got a brain scan and the machine said, "Please deposit some sense for the next 55 years."
8 - You blame George W. Bush for everything from the U.S. economy to hurricane Irene to the Japanese Tsunami to your receding hair line.
7 - You developed a gap between your teeth by speaking from both sides of your mouth.
6 - When Barack Obama said he campaigned in 57 States, you said, "If he had started earlier, he could've covered all 60."
5 - You supported candidate Barack Obama for president because you figured a guy who has experience in absolutely nothing and is so clueless that he thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet -- hey, it's almost like you have a twin brother.
4 - You hate Sarah Palin because she's proven herself to be a smart women who can be governor of a State and write books. You, on the other hand, have proven that with nothing else but dumb luck, any monkey on a rock can run a dog and pony show.
3 - You supported presidential candidate Barack Obama because you figured he cannot possibly repeat all the mistakes the last president made in eight years. And you were right. He did it in one year.
2 - When Barack Obama said, "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today... " you said, "What a president! Even our fallen heroes come to hear him speak!"
1 - S&P just downgraded your IQ again. It's now so low you're even starting to look like David Letterman.
In all seriousness, I tried to find something nice to say about tooth-gap Dave. But fiction was never my forte.
For sound advise on who is or is not a good political candidate, entertainers should be the last people to rely on. Barack Obama is one excellent example of how misled the public can get by false impressions perpetuated by public figures who rely more on image than experience and accomplishments.
To now have little to say about the complete and utter failure of the Barack Obama presidency, yet still talk about the "failures" of George W. Bush, and the imagined "incompetence" of a brilliant and vibrant person like Sarah Palin, shows the great disconnect some entertainers have with honesty and reality.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Top-Ten-Signs-Youre-As-Intelligent-As-David-Letterman&id=6524506] Top Ten Signs You're As Intelligent As David Letterman
10 - S&P downgraded your IQ.
9 - You just got a brain scan and the machine said, "Please deposit some sense for the next 55 years."
8 - You blame George W. Bush for everything from the U.S. economy to hurricane Irene to the Japanese Tsunami to your receding hair line.
7 - You developed a gap between your teeth by speaking from both sides of your mouth.
6 - When Barack Obama said he campaigned in 57 States, you said, "If he had started earlier, he could've covered all 60."
5 - You supported candidate Barack Obama for president because you figured a guy who has experience in absolutely nothing and is so clueless that he thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet -- hey, it's almost like you have a twin brother.
4 - You hate Sarah Palin because she's proven herself to be a smart women who can be governor of a State and write books. You, on the other hand, have proven that with nothing else but dumb luck, any monkey on a rock can run a dog and pony show.
3 - You supported presidential candidate Barack Obama because you figured he cannot possibly repeat all the mistakes the last president made in eight years. And you were right. He did it in one year.
2 - When Barack Obama said, "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today... " you said, "What a president! Even our fallen heroes come to hear him speak!"
1 - S&P just downgraded your IQ again. It's now so low you're even starting to look like David Letterman.
In all seriousness, I tried to find something nice to say about tooth-gap Dave. But fiction was never my forte.
For sound advise on who is or is not a good political candidate, entertainers should be the last people to rely on. Barack Obama is one excellent example of how misled the public can get by false impressions perpetuated by public figures who rely more on image than experience and accomplishments.
To now have little to say about the complete and utter failure of the Barack Obama presidency, yet still talk about the "failures" of George W. Bush, and the imagined "incompetence" of a brilliant and vibrant person like Sarah Palin, shows the great disconnect some entertainers have with honesty and reality.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Top-Ten-Signs-Youre-As-Intelligent-As-David-Letterman&id=6524506] Top Ten Signs You're As Intelligent As David Letterman
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Diary of a Country Zombie
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Meredith_Loring]Meredith Loring
Today is a clean, crisp beautiful fall day. The brilliant orange and scarlet leaves are hanging like apples against a singingly blue sky. Along the roadways, bales of hay are bound up and dotting the pastoral green hillsides like giant frosted mini-wheats as a crow sails silently overhead in the tremulous breeze. The scent of cider wafts my way from the press where the farmer and his sons are busy pressing apples they gathered from the ground. In every respect but one, it is a perfect day. The one lousy thing about today is that I haven't eaten anything in weeks.
My last meal was a hapless grocery store clerk who came out the back door of the giant retail food outlet to put the trash into the high-security dumpster. Luckily for me, he neglected to check the premises first, and as he leaned in to wrestle the lock on the boat-sized trash trailer and deposit the day's half-stale bakery items, I nabbed him from behind. I only had to "chase" him for a few feet, since he kept falling and staring up at me with that woebegone sort of admiration my future meals often give. The odd thing is, I don't think he even knew I was a zombie. He kept saying "paper or plastic, paper or plastic." I think I may need to jazz up my attire.
I am a country zombie, and too bad for me, but country zombies don't often get to the city. Sure, we can take relaxing walks around the lake, engage in an evening of fishing, loll about in the sun and count birds and what not, smelling the gently billowing winds and picking flowers, but who thinks that's important when there isn't anything to put into the old gullet? Here I am, marooned in this putrid barnyard like a scarecrow stuck in a field of mud. I can only get to town when The Farm Guy doesn't notice me sliding into the back of his produce truck. If he catches me, its pretty much a no-win situation, cuz he holds up that terrible silver cross thing and tries to make me look at it.
It's not like I don't try. I leave voice mails; I put a signature line on my emails; but none of these things actually help me to secure a place at the table. All I want is to "get a head." Is that so much to ask? I even practice conservation. Only humanoids who stumble when they try to run away are selected for consumption. But the problem is, even when I do get to town, my zombie attire isn't the best. I admit it. As I said, that last guy didn't even know I was a zombie. In between "paper or plastic, paper or plastic," he kept saying "You'll have to go around front, Ma'am." I guess I just don't look zombie-like enough. But it's hard to get blood-stained panty hose and artificial stick-on cuts and wounds when you live ten miles from anywhere without web service. So here I am, sitting here in this ramshackle shed, wishing I were out on the town right now. I should have stopped in at the Zombie Costume Warehouse on my last trip to town and accessorized or gotten some new makeup. Oh well, there's always next time.
The author is a well-known zombie fan who has helped thousands of humanoids to appreciate zombie humor and even find their own voice as a zombie. For more zombie fun and to see a hilarious, award-winning film short and tips on zombie costume ideas, visit the [http://zombiecostumewarehouse.com]Zombie Costume Warehouse and make sure YOU are ready to be a good zombie this Halloween.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Diary-of-a-Country-Zombie&id=6525164] Diary of a Country Zombie
Today is a clean, crisp beautiful fall day. The brilliant orange and scarlet leaves are hanging like apples against a singingly blue sky. Along the roadways, bales of hay are bound up and dotting the pastoral green hillsides like giant frosted mini-wheats as a crow sails silently overhead in the tremulous breeze. The scent of cider wafts my way from the press where the farmer and his sons are busy pressing apples they gathered from the ground. In every respect but one, it is a perfect day. The one lousy thing about today is that I haven't eaten anything in weeks.
My last meal was a hapless grocery store clerk who came out the back door of the giant retail food outlet to put the trash into the high-security dumpster. Luckily for me, he neglected to check the premises first, and as he leaned in to wrestle the lock on the boat-sized trash trailer and deposit the day's half-stale bakery items, I nabbed him from behind. I only had to "chase" him for a few feet, since he kept falling and staring up at me with that woebegone sort of admiration my future meals often give. The odd thing is, I don't think he even knew I was a zombie. He kept saying "paper or plastic, paper or plastic." I think I may need to jazz up my attire.
I am a country zombie, and too bad for me, but country zombies don't often get to the city. Sure, we can take relaxing walks around the lake, engage in an evening of fishing, loll about in the sun and count birds and what not, smelling the gently billowing winds and picking flowers, but who thinks that's important when there isn't anything to put into the old gullet? Here I am, marooned in this putrid barnyard like a scarecrow stuck in a field of mud. I can only get to town when The Farm Guy doesn't notice me sliding into the back of his produce truck. If he catches me, its pretty much a no-win situation, cuz he holds up that terrible silver cross thing and tries to make me look at it.
It's not like I don't try. I leave voice mails; I put a signature line on my emails; but none of these things actually help me to secure a place at the table. All I want is to "get a head." Is that so much to ask? I even practice conservation. Only humanoids who stumble when they try to run away are selected for consumption. But the problem is, even when I do get to town, my zombie attire isn't the best. I admit it. As I said, that last guy didn't even know I was a zombie. In between "paper or plastic, paper or plastic," he kept saying "You'll have to go around front, Ma'am." I guess I just don't look zombie-like enough. But it's hard to get blood-stained panty hose and artificial stick-on cuts and wounds when you live ten miles from anywhere without web service. So here I am, sitting here in this ramshackle shed, wishing I were out on the town right now. I should have stopped in at the Zombie Costume Warehouse on my last trip to town and accessorized or gotten some new makeup. Oh well, there's always next time.
The author is a well-known zombie fan who has helped thousands of humanoids to appreciate zombie humor and even find their own voice as a zombie. For more zombie fun and to see a hilarious, award-winning film short and tips on zombie costume ideas, visit the [http://zombiecostumewarehouse.com]Zombie Costume Warehouse and make sure YOU are ready to be a good zombie this Halloween.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Diary-of-a-Country-Zombie&id=6525164] Diary of a Country Zombie
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Waging The War On Floor Boogers
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Alan_Beggerow]Alan Beggerow
I'm a Mr. Mom, and I'm proud of it! I'm retired from the rat race and live with a woman that has a teenage son. She works, he's in school, so it makes sense for me to do the domestic chores.
Most of them I'm pretty good at. I'm a great cook, can clean fairly well, although my SO does bring her female fastidiousness into the equation, which is not always a bad thing. I am a male, after all, and on occasion I can lapse back into the Land Of Slobbinia. One thing I don't do much of is laundry. I know how to do it, but she prefers to do it her way, so I do the right thing and let her do it.
Some of the chores I like, some I don't. The one I really HATE the most is cleaning the floors. The big house we've got has no carpeting, which we both like. My allergies don't bother me nearly as much without carpeting, and with three cats, hardwood floors are easier to keep clean of the oodles of kitty hair that's shed. So most of the floor cleaning I do with either a mop for the tile floors in the kitchen and bathroom, or the pads on a stick that pick up all the dirt. You know, the one that uses the Blondie tune in their old ad, "One way, or another, I'm, gonna getcha,getcha, getcha, getcha!" A good sweeping with a regular broom to get the big gobs of cat hair and a once-over with the 'Getcha' and the floor's usually pretty clean. And it's not that I hate the chore so much. it's those nasty floor boogers that I hate.
You know what I'm talking about. Those stray pieces of lint, onion skin, toenail, paper, etc. that hide in the nooks, crannies and crevices of floor boards, tiles and mop boards. Those nasty flecks of whatever that won't pick up with a broom, mop or floor pad. Those devious, dirty little things that don't show up until you've emptied the mop water or put away the broom. Every single time I try to make a floor spotless, the little demons come out and thumb their noses at me.
I've tried sweeping, mopping, swiffering, vacuuming, everything short of a blowtorch to alleviate them. All to no avail. Oh, there may be fewer in number after my onslaught, but some always remain. Perhaps I'm just being too fussy. After all, a large expanse of floor clean enough to dine off of save for a few malignant floor boogers here and there isn't so bad. Is it? YES IT IS! Clean is clean, and if there's any floor boogers hanging around, IT AIN'T CLEAN!
So consider this essay a declaration of war, floor boogers! I do not know where you come from, but I know where I will send you! Down the drain, in the garbage, out of my door with the rest of the garbage! Your mission is to try and drive me to distraction, to make me 'break', to force me to let you live and prosper so you can take over the house! But it will not happen! I will NEVER break. I will NEVER give in. Fair warning, floor boogers! I play rough, and I play for keeps!
Visit http://essaysstories.blogspot.com/ for more essays and stories from my fevered brain.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Waging-The-War-On-Floor-Boogers&id=6532070] Waging The War On Floor Boogers
I'm a Mr. Mom, and I'm proud of it! I'm retired from the rat race and live with a woman that has a teenage son. She works, he's in school, so it makes sense for me to do the domestic chores.
Most of them I'm pretty good at. I'm a great cook, can clean fairly well, although my SO does bring her female fastidiousness into the equation, which is not always a bad thing. I am a male, after all, and on occasion I can lapse back into the Land Of Slobbinia. One thing I don't do much of is laundry. I know how to do it, but she prefers to do it her way, so I do the right thing and let her do it.
Some of the chores I like, some I don't. The one I really HATE the most is cleaning the floors. The big house we've got has no carpeting, which we both like. My allergies don't bother me nearly as much without carpeting, and with three cats, hardwood floors are easier to keep clean of the oodles of kitty hair that's shed. So most of the floor cleaning I do with either a mop for the tile floors in the kitchen and bathroom, or the pads on a stick that pick up all the dirt. You know, the one that uses the Blondie tune in their old ad, "One way, or another, I'm, gonna getcha,getcha, getcha, getcha!" A good sweeping with a regular broom to get the big gobs of cat hair and a once-over with the 'Getcha' and the floor's usually pretty clean. And it's not that I hate the chore so much. it's those nasty floor boogers that I hate.
You know what I'm talking about. Those stray pieces of lint, onion skin, toenail, paper, etc. that hide in the nooks, crannies and crevices of floor boards, tiles and mop boards. Those nasty flecks of whatever that won't pick up with a broom, mop or floor pad. Those devious, dirty little things that don't show up until you've emptied the mop water or put away the broom. Every single time I try to make a floor spotless, the little demons come out and thumb their noses at me.
I've tried sweeping, mopping, swiffering, vacuuming, everything short of a blowtorch to alleviate them. All to no avail. Oh, there may be fewer in number after my onslaught, but some always remain. Perhaps I'm just being too fussy. After all, a large expanse of floor clean enough to dine off of save for a few malignant floor boogers here and there isn't so bad. Is it? YES IT IS! Clean is clean, and if there's any floor boogers hanging around, IT AIN'T CLEAN!
So consider this essay a declaration of war, floor boogers! I do not know where you come from, but I know where I will send you! Down the drain, in the garbage, out of my door with the rest of the garbage! Your mission is to try and drive me to distraction, to make me 'break', to force me to let you live and prosper so you can take over the house! But it will not happen! I will NEVER break. I will NEVER give in. Fair warning, floor boogers! I play rough, and I play for keeps!
Visit http://essaysstories.blogspot.com/ for more essays and stories from my fevered brain.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Waging-The-War-On-Floor-Boogers&id=6532070] Waging The War On Floor Boogers
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